Poe Dameron had a secret. A secret that Jessika Pava, Snap Wexley and Kare Kun probably knew by now. But it was a secret nonetheless, at least, in the ways that mattered to him. For one, Finn Storm, the guy he had the biggest crush on since forever, had no clue and second, said crush’s best friend, Rey Skywalker, who also happened to be Poe’s bitterest rival - even if that rivalry was probably only in his head - also had no idea.
And that secret was that sometimes, sometimes, when he knew no one else would be at the gym, he would sneak in, put his favourite music on full blast and then, and only then, he would dance.
He had been doing this for years at this point and he had always been careful about not getting caught.At first, it was because he was a beginner and he didn’t want to embarrass himself while he stumbled through the steps. Later it was because it had become something that he now cherished. A place away from volleyball. A thing too personal to share with just anyone.
This all changed, however, when one day, in the early hours of the morning, as he was learning the choreography to Bite Me by Enhyphen (having never gone to dance classes, he relied mostly on YouTube or TikTok tutorials) he heard a familiar voice call out to him.
“Hey Poe! Jess said you might be here. Have you seen my waterbott-”
Poe froze halfway between a move, his head snapping towards the sound of the voice only to see Finn standing at the door. His hands were in the pockets of his jeans, his headphones slung casually around his neck. He too seemed halfway to paralysis, his mouth parted in what looked to be a certain surprise slowly turning to embarrassment. Poe wasn’t sure whether it was a good or bad thing.
He straightened his back and forced himself to meet Finn’s eyes. He was going to play it cool. So cool. He was cool. A certified cool guy.
“Finn.” he managed, the syllable squeaking out of him in a rather unflattering manner.
Yeah, so cool. A voice in his head mocked.
“Sorry,” started Finn. “I'll leave you alone I just need to find - “
Finn walked away quicker than he could even finish the sentence he started. For a moment Poe could not register what had happened. He stood staring at the space where Finn had once been and then it hit him. Finn had found out his secret, and for some reason, it had embarrassed him enough in the moment to leave.
Poe felt his face grow hot. There was also the familiar sickly churning in the pit of his stomach that usually accompanied all his mortifying embarrassments. A part of him wanted to cry and indeed he could feel the stinging in his eyes. Not for the first time in his life he wished that the ground would swallow him whole and never let him emerge to the surface.
With a dogged sort of misery, Poe turned off the music.
He knew he was being dramatic, but in that moment he never wanted to dance again.
~~~
Finn did not in fact find his water bottle and to make matters so much worse he was pretty sure that Poe was avoiding him. For one, every time their eyes met, whether it was from across the hall or the schoolyard or in the same room, Poe would turn red and avert his gaze. It would have almost been endearing if Finn didn’t feel a certain sense of guilt creep through him during every interaction.
He had not intended to walk in on Poe. He also had not intended on being transfixed by him and the way he moved, though he supposed it was to be expected. On the court, Poe had a certain grace about him that Finn often likened to a bird in flight or a dancer. And Poe had looked so happy and beautiful in the middle of that gym, with his messy curls and broad smile, letting the music guide his every move, that for a moment Finn’s entire world was Poe f*cking Dameron.
But when Poe’s eyes finally met his after what felt like both moments and centuries, he was shocked into remembering that the world was suddenly much bigger than the both of them. Finn realised he had been staring. The mortification had kicked in immediately and so had the panic.
So Finn had left.
When he told Rey of this during their lunch break, sitting in the corner of the hockey field, amongst the uncut grass and spring dandelions she sighed.
“Why’d you f*cking do that?”
“Dunno,” he admitted picking apart a dandelion with his fingers. It was the easiest answer he could give her. “He probably hates me.”
There was a moment of silence as both of them pondered the situation at hand.
“I think…” Rey started, her tone had that imperious inflection that she got every time she was found herself in a bout of self-righteousness. Finn prepared himself for the worst.
“I think you should ask to join him,” she said simply.
Finn raised a brow. “What?”
“Isn’t dancing something you both enjoy? Why not do it together” Then she grinned. “And besides there’s a small chance for you guys to get closer.”
“Yeah, not gonna happen,” he told her flicking away the dandelion petals he had collected in his hands.
Rey muttered something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like ‘idiots’.
~~~
It was the final period of the day and Poe sat right in the corner at the back of his math class. This was the one place where he couldn’t avoid Finn so Poe wanted to make himself as conspicuous as possible, hoping somehow, someway, Finn would not notice him there and sit elsewhere for the day.
After all, what could he possibly tell to him after ignoring him the whole day? Sorry for ghosting you, dude. By the way, do you think I’m weird because I like dancing? That did not at all sound like something a sane person would say.
So he sat at his desk, fiddling with his pencil while Mr Ackbar was sorting through his papers, watching the door for Finn’s arrival and praying that he would be able to come up with something reasonable to say to Finn.
As it turned out, however, he didn’t have to bother.
As soon Finn entered the room his eyes fixed on Poe immediately and then he smiled. Poe found himself momentarily amused. It seemed Finn would find him no matter the circ*mstance.He took his usual seat beside Poe and proceeded to get out his things.
For a few seconds, neither of them spoke a word, which usually wouldn’t bother Poe, but today was not a usual day either.
“So you dance huh?” Finn asked, finally breaking the silence as he placed exercise books and pencil cases on his desk.
And just like that the awkwardness of the morning and rest of the day was forgotten. Finn did not ask why Poe had been avoiding him and Poe did not offer an explanation. Things were back to relative normalcy, or at least at its most surface level, as it seemed was always the way with teenage boys. Poe considered his question.
Play it cool, he reminded himself, play it cool.
“Um yeah kinda,” he admitted. “Mostly self-taught though. So I’m not like a pro or anything.”
“You’re kidding?” Finn smiled it was easy and familiar so goddamn Finn that Poe’s beating heart was immediately calm. “You were pretty good. Was that Bite Me by Enhyphen?”
“Yeah, yeah it was,” he confirmed, trying to desperately hide his obvious pleasure at the praise. “I’m learning the solo version at the moment but there’s a couples dance I wanna try out…”
He had been rambling and regretted it as soon as he said it but Finn’s smile grew wider as if he had won a prize he hadn’t expected to win at all.
“Let me guess you couldn’t find a partner?”
“Nope,” Poe admitted. “Jess didn’t wanna and Snap has two left feet.”
Finn paused as if considering his words. “I mean…” he started and Poe could have sworn he sounded nervous. Which was weird. Finn never got nervous. At least not outwardly. He was always a pillar of calm that Poe could rely on whenever he could not find it within him.
“I’ve been wanting to learn it too,” Finn said quietly. “So if you’re down…”
“Totally!” And if Poe said it with too much enthusiasm Finn didn’t point it out.
“Cool,” Finn murmured. “Awesome, tomorrow morning then?”
“Sure why not,”
He was so not going to survive this.
~~~
It was Rey’s fault. At least that was who Finn was going to pin it on when this all ended in complete and utter disaster.
So far nothing drastic had happened. For the most part, it was actually really fun. They had the same energy and camaraderie that they displayed in volleyball practice and games. The same sense of ease, synchronisation and half-assed banter that Rey often joked gave them the air of an old married couple. But Finn would be lying if he said his heart wasn’t on the verge of exploding almost every second.
He wasn’t sure why this was different, after all, they were constantly in each other’s proximity, always orbiting each other’s spaces for the better part of their day. So spending more time with Poe should not be making him feel like this. But it was. And Finn had no f*cking clue what to do about it
Maybe it was the dance itself. After all, he supposed there was a different kind of intimacy and trust to dance that wasn’t necessarily present in volleyball. And it seemed Poe felt similarly as there was one part of the dance he usually messed up.
There was a part where Finn would pull him in. The problem was that even though Poe was able to follow Finn’s movement and lock eyes with him. He often forgot to break eye contact and missed the cue for the next step.
After seven days of hoping it would get better as they practised, eventually, resigned Finn paused the music.
“Poe,” Finn said turning to him, putting his hands to his hips breathless from the efforts of the last half-hour. “I don’t think this is working,’
“Sorry,” Poe said, rubbing the back of his head, his cheeks turning red- a common phenomenon during these sessions. “I don’t know what’s happening with that move, usually I’m pretty good at this.”
Finn considered for a moment. It seemed to him - and honest to God, he swore he wasn’t reading too much into it - that the intensity of that move, being pulled in and holding eye contact, the sheer surrender of control that required might be hard for Poe to break out of in a split second.
An idea suddenly struck him.
“What if we switch roles?” Finn ventured.
Poe’s brows furrowed for a moment and Finn practically could see the gears turning in his head as he thought the logistics of it through.
“You sure about that?” he asked finally.
“Can’t hurt to try can it?”
Poe shrugged. “I guess not,”
Once agreed they did not wait a second and took up their new positions immediately. It took them a few tries to adjust to the new movements, but as always, whether on the court or off it, they made the impossible work. Eventually, they came to that moment of the dance and Finn braced himself as Poe reached forward and pulled him, Finn followed his movement easily and without much hesitation.
But when the time came for Finn to lock eyes with Poe suddenly he understood why there had been an issue in the first place. He had no idea why but somehow time seemed to stop altogether, everything fell away, the world around them, the determination to go through with the rest of the routine - all of it crumbled under the intensity of Poe’s gaze.
Poe’s eyes were a shade of brown so rich Finn could have died in them, wholly intoxicated. And he almost did, his breathing seemed to have stopped altogether. He could no longer hear the music.
Then those eyes of Poe’s flickered down to Finn’s lips before looking up at him again, his lips parted - half an invitation. His body was slowly but surely gravitating towards Finn’s, so much so Finn could now feel the heat of him. It was almost all the confirmation he needed. He found he no longer had it in him to exercise what little restraint remained in his body. He found himself leaning in, slowly, deliberately so that Poe would be able to move away if he so wished.
But Poe did not move. He stood there looking up at Finn as if he had sung the moon and stars into existence.
It was a slow collision, like watching two galaxies collide, inevitable and unstoppable, while you remain useless and beholden to the forces around you. Their lips met after what felt like mere seconds and a millennia. The kiss itself was soft, so soft that Finn was half-afraid he messed up and misjudged by leaning in. It did not seem like Poe was moving at all. But then Poe slid his arms around Finn’s waist, pulling him in, deepening the kiss.
It felt something akin to legend. But in the end, it was only momentary.
Finn pulled back only to see Poe's eyes half closed, leaning forward as if to chase Finn’s lips, when he could not find them he opened his eyes, stunned, but with a smile slowly growing on his face as he gazed back at him. For a moment Finn thought he might close the distance between them and kiss him again. But then Poe’s smile fell, only to be replaced by a look of confusion.
Finn waited. For what? He wasn’t quite sure. He just needed to know that what happened was real.
“We should probably get to class,” Poe said. His voice was hoarse he did not even look Finn in the eye when he said it.
No acknowledgement. Nothing.
Finn tried not to think too much of it. Everything was fine or at least, it would be, eventually. It always was. But there was a sharpness in his chest as if someone had taken a knife and had carved, with practised precision, a slit across his heart, drawing blood and so much worse.
All Finn could do was nod in response.
~~~
Poe shut his locker, his face still flushed from the memory of the kiss. He could still even now feel Finn’s lips against his. The way Finn’s hands had grasped his hips, the way Finn had looked back at him so hopeful and expectant…
He knew he should be happy about it. After all, it was everything he had ever wanted. But something in him, a soft yet insistent voice, was telling him he couldn’t possibly have this. That didn’t deserve him at all. That bringing Finn like this into his life, giving him his heart would only end in heartbreak.
As much as Poe liked his fantasies of one day marrying Finn, the most likely scenario was (if they didn’t break up awfully in two weeks) they’d make it to graduation, try to make it work during college and then slowly drift apart and never talk to each other again. It would break his heart more than anything, knowing that Finn would not remain in his life. But as a friend maybe it could all be salvaged.
And besides, as Zorii said during summer camp last year, Poe was great fun, until you got to really know him, then he was far too much. He got what was coming for him in that regard, he still had the scar on his chest to prove it.
Poe shoved his copy of Shakespeare’s The Tempest into his locker and slammed it shut ready to return home for the day only to be scared out of his wits by Jessika Pava who had apparently just happened to be standing beside him the entire time. She crossed her arms and gave him a quizzical look.
“Jesus f*cking Christ Pava.” He hissed shouldering his school bag.
Damn her and her damn-near psychic abilities. She always seemed to sense whenever something was off about him.
“So…” she started. “How's the dance practice going?”
“It was good,” he told her unconvincingly. “Me and Finn mastered it…I think. It was great actually! Totally awesome.”
She raised a brow at that. He knew he was beet red which probably wasn’t the best look when you’re trying to convince Jessika Pava, who always thought otherwise, that you were not in fact secretly dating your co-captain. Only this time she wouldn’t be too far from the truth. And even though it was only really one kiss he hated how obvious it probably was to her.
“Okay…” she paused and looked at him more intently, her expression became more serious. “You seem a bit off today though. Did something happen or-?”
Fortunately or unfortunately at that very moment, from across the hall, Finn himself came into Poe’s line of vision. His head was down deep in thought. But then as if sensing the weight of his gaze he looked up and met Poe’s eyes. There was a question burning there and a more determined note to his step as he walked towards them. And as much as Poe didn’t want to answer the question he knew he could not run away. Not now.
“Hey umm we need to …” Finn said as soon as he was near and then paused noticing Jess was there too. “Uhh…” he finished lamely.
Jess looked between them mildly concerned and wholly curious.
“Just wanted to know if you were gonna make practice tomorrow?”
It was a ridiculous question. They all knew Poe never missed practice. But Poe had too much - namely his pride - at stake to point out the oddity.
“Yeah man, of course”
“Cool, talk to you later then?”
The last few words were pointed. Deliberate. Poe knew exactly what Finn meant. He felt his face flush.
“Yeah,” he said instead. “Talk to you later.”
Finn smiled. The corners of his eyes crinkled, There was a twinkle of hope in them too. And in that moment Poe had every intention of honouring the unspoken but evident promise. He would do right by Finn. And he would try if that is what Finn wanted.
But as it always was on the precipice of any happiness he might have for himself Zorii’s words came back to him.
You’re just too much.
Poe could barely concentrate on his homework that night, barely hold a conversation with his father, barely remembered to walk BB-8. He received three texts from Finn and two calls. Poe did not respond to any of them.
~~~
It happened slowly at first. But it happened.
Finn’s calls and texts went unanswered that first night and he had spent the entire time furiously checking and rechecking every notification, his still-bleeding heart beating furiously at every ping only to sink to its lowest depths when he eventually realised it wasn’t Poe.
He barely slept that night wondering if he had f*cked up. In all honesty, he probably had and the guilt ate away at him and at the hours of the night. He had gone to school red-eyed the next day. Rey had asked him what was wrong. He had refused to answer.
And Poe? He had acted like nothing had happened whatsoever. Finn wanted to yell at him. He didn’t. He was far too polite for that. But the urge was bubbling underneath every interaction.
Eventually, Poe only ever talked to Finn when it came to volleyball or schoolwork. Sometimes Finn would even see him during the day but then Poe would skip math class, the one class they had together, the one class where they had to interact. And on the rare occasions he didn’t skip math he would sit in the corner hoping not to be found.
At first, Finn justified it. Much like him Poe often had spells of depression. Maybe it was one of those weeks. And besides whenever they were in each other’s company they were usually in the middle of practice or class, with very little privacy. It wasn’t the best time to talk, he told himself again and again.
Yet as the days wore on Finn could not help but feel that Poe was intent on forgetting that the kiss ever happened and soon he found that he was running out of excuses for Poe. Finn could not justify his behaviour any longer. It was clear now. Poe was avoiding him. He had spoken to his mentor Bodhi Rook about it who seemed to agree.
So Finn Storm stopped.
He stopped asking questions. He stopped saying ‘hi’. He stopped sitting next to him in Math class. He stopped seeking him out. Stopped texting. In short, he stopped trying. He had far too much pride to continue maintaining the relationship that Poe clearly did not want.
But the wound that seemed to collect in his heart had started to fester, creating some deep, unspeakable pain under his ribs. He found that he hated how it seemed that Poe was going about his day perfectly alright while Finn was still there, still blue and still unable to move.
Everyone else was noticing it too. Everyone that is, except Poe.
One day Finn had to stay behind after school to finish off an exam he had been unable to complete. It had been half an hour and he was still only on the first question. Which was not at all like him, Finn Storm who used to get teased by his foster brothers for being too studious, it was not like him at all.
But in the last week or so - basically, since he and Poe stopped talking - it had become increasingly harder to concentrate on simple tasks like having breakfast or brushing his teeth let alone write an answer to why muscles are important to the healthy functioning of the human body.
From the corner of his vision, he saw a hand slide a chocolate bar from across the table. He stared at the purple packaging unable to make sense of it before looking up to see Han Solo, his PE teacher, regarding him with a concern that felt unsettling.
“Look kid I’m not gonna pry,” Han said shrugging a shoulder. “But I heard chocolates are good when you're feeling down.”
Finn stared back at the chocolate bar. A part of him wanted to reach out and take it, but a lifetime in foster homes had taught him, for better or for worse, all good things came with a catch. And when they didn’t, it simply did not compute for him.
Something constricted in his chest as directed himself to focus his attention on his half-written answer.
“Lay off the test,” Han urged softly as he proceeded to pry the pen out of Finn’s hand, which he had not realised until that moment that he had a death grip on. “You can do it another time. And as I said I’m not going to pry, but if you need to talk you know my door’s always open.”
Finn hoped Han could not see the tears that were welling in his eyes. He could not even begin to describe what hearing those words made him feel.
“Yeah thanks, Mr Solo,” he managed out.
Han merely patted his shoulder in response.
~~~
Ever since his mother’s death, volleyball had become a lifeline for Poe. So it was only natural that when the rest of his life was going to sh*t, when right now he didn’t want to think about Finn and all the ways he had f*cked up, his mind body and soul would hone in on the one thing that had been a constant in his life. Volleyball. More often than not this was to his detriment, with his spirits racing ahead before his physical body could even find the time to catch up.
Only this time no one called him out on his hyper-focused state, at least not yet. And he knew a huge part of it was because the annual Spring Tournament was coming up and everyone else was also throwing themselves into preparation.
So no one noticed how bad it had gotten, at least not for a while. He had not even realised it himself until a particularly gruelling session where he found that he started missing Finn’s sets. It wasn’t for a lack of skill, Poe knew he had it in him, he’d been doing it for ages after all. No, the cause was something entirely foreign, even to him. He was feeling the aches in his muscles acutely every time he came down from an adrenaline high. And to make matters so much worse, Finn kept shooting him concerned looks every time he messed up.
Poe couldn’t handle it, knowing that after all the bullsh*t he had pulled, Finn still found it in himself to care.
As he was coming out of the change rooms a little while later he heard a familiar voice call out to him.
“Poe!”
He turned to see Mrs Organa making his way towards him with an expression on her face he couldn’t read for the life of him but still sent him into a nerve-wracking panic. Despite all this, he managed a decent reply.
“Yes, Mrs Organa?”
“I need to speak to you,” Leia said. “Just for a moment if that’s alright?”
This could not be good.
Poe cast a glance to where Jess and Snap had been waiting for him. The looks on their faces did nothing to assuage his panic but he gestured for them to leave. Finn was already walking ahead, his arm slung over Rose’s shoulder, he was leaning over whispering something in her ear, to which she laughed. Poe felt sick at the sight of it.
What the hell?
He knew he didn’t have any right to Finn, especially not now as he was digging himself deeper into a hole he never wanted to be in the first place. It wasn’t like they were dating, they had only ever shared that one kiss. But still…Poe had thought it had meant something.
“Yeah,” he said Leia turning abruptly towards her, not wanting to torture himself any longer.“I got time.”
By now almost everyone had left so there would be a very low chance that they would be overheard.
Leia looked at him her brows furrowed.
“Poe, what’s going on?”
Her voice had gone soft, she was no longer Ms Organa at this moment, but his old Aunt Leia who used to come by his house after his mother and coax him out of his room with a sweet voice and fresh lemon cakes.
“I don’t know what you mean,” he told her, it was too flippant a tone to use with someone he respected as much as he did Leia, but at this stage, he just wanted to go home. Leia raised a brow.
“You’re distracted, your grades have been dropping, you’re skipping Math class and almost killing yourself during practice.Is there something going on?”
He shook his head. She seemed unconvinced.
“You’ve…also been missing Finn's set a lot more” she ventured as if unsure whether to broach this topic. “And I noticed you haven’t been talking all that much either.”
Poe looked up at her.He opened his mouth to speak but for a moment he could not. How the hell did she know? Then a wave of anger rushed over him. Why the hell did she care?
“You’re only saying this because you don’t want us to lose our first match of the season,” he said bitterly. “I’m fine.’ he added. “If you wanted to tell me I’m not good enough for the starting lineup you could have just said so.”
He was angry, he knew that but the flames of that anger died as soon as he spoke those words into existence. Leia regarded him and he could have sworn there was hurt in her eyes. He wanted to apologise immediately, he wanted to take everything back if he could, make it so that nothing had ever happened. However, before he could even begin to beg for forgiveness Leia spoke again.
“I’m saying this because I care,” she reminded him putting a hand on his shoulder, her words were slow, each syllable uttered with care that Poe could have wept. It was a kindness he did not deserve.
“My door’s always open if you need anything.” She said squeezing his shoulder
With that, she left.
~~~
The first day of the California Spring Tournament had come and Finn could feel a sickening unease as he and the rest of the team entered the stadium. They had been preparing for this for the better part of the off-season, they had also been doing well and yet somehow Finn felt underprepared. He always did, it wasn’t a new thing at all. All his life he had felt like he had to be at 110% to even achieve what his peers did at only 80%.
He remembered, having this conversation with Bodhi, the first time, aged thirteen the coaches had overlooked him for the junior high team.
“You know my dad had to sit down and explain this to me when I was your age.” Bodhi had explained.
Intentional for not Finn had caught on to the implicit meaning behind Bodhi’s words. He did not have a father to tell him these things, so Bodhi would do it instead.
“He told me if I ever wanted to achieve something I would have to make sure I was always 10% better than my peers,” he had said. “I won’t lie to you Finn, it’s unfair, but it’s a reality. It was a reality for me, growing up. And it’s something you will have to face for the rest of your life, especially so as a black man.”
Bodhi’s intention had been kind, but it had also added a sense of undue anxiety that bled into everything Finn did. He had to be the best, the strongest, the smartest, he had to, or people would keep overlooking him to favour his non-black peers.
Usually during travels to stadiums out of town and even out of state, he would talk to Poe, it would always calm him down significantly, but it had been weeks and they still weren’t talking. At least he still had Rey, but that only really helped marginally.
Soon enough their bus arrived at the stadium and they disembarked with their bags in full tow. The games were not going to start until tomorrow but the team still needed to sign in before heading off to their hotel rooms.
They all stood in line chatting amongst themselves and though physically Finn was engaged in a conversation about how big the stadium was, he found he could not take any of it in. It wasn’t his first Spring Tournament, but it was his first with Resistance High, he felt guilty for not enjoying it more than he was.
It was during this time his eyes caught the familiar figures of his former captain and vice-captain, Ben Solo and Armitage Hux joining the line a few teams behind them. With them stood the tall blonde woman, their middle-blocker, Phasma. All three stopped their conversation to stare at him. Finn could also see members of the FN-Squad, his former teammates and foster brothers, boring holes into him as soon as they too joined the line. It wasn’t like he hadn’t kept in touch with them, they were his foster brothers after all. In fact, they’d hung out a few times since he joined Resistance, but seeing them here and not by his side was a different kind of nerve-wracking entirely.
Before Poe, before Rey, before Resistance, Finn could always count on them to be by his side. But now he wasn’t so sure, at least not with the way they were looking at him.
One of them in particular seemed to be more affected than the others.
“f*cking traitor!” Nines' voice echoed across the foyer.
There wasn’t malice there but there was definitely some hurt. Nines had never quite forgiven Finn for leaving them behind. We’re supposed to stick together he had insisted the day Finn had told them he was joining Resistance High.
Finn understood his anger, he did not begrudge him. But Poe…
Poe turned around and stared daggers into Nines, his fists tightened till his knuckles turned white, and a determined angry look overcame his features. Why are you angry on my behalf when you don’t even talk to me? Finn wanted to ask him. But he didn’t.
Poe turned his attention to Ben Solo - or Kylo Ren as he went by these days - and Finn could have sworn that his expression darkened at the sight of the Resistance Captain. After all, he was Leia Organa’s son, so it was only natural that he and Poe would have a history of sorts, one where Finn only had a few anecdotes to fuel his curiosity.
“I suggest you keep your team in check,” Poe said. The tone would have been civil were it not said through gritted teeth. “Wouldn’t want you suspended before you even get on court.”
Kylo Ren gave a curt nod in acknowledgment. Seemingly satisfied, Poe turned back around. It was finally their turn for the sign-ups. He did not acknowledge Finn. Not then nor even long after. And Finn with both a strange sense of relief and crushing bereavement.
~~~
The first week of the three-week tournament had gone by before they finally got the chance to go against First Order Academy. By then they had already qualified for the semi-finals
About damn time.
Poe had been itching to play off against them ever since their encounter in the foyer. He’d been impatient for an opportunity to beat them to a pulp and here it was in the form of a three-set match.
The first of those sets turned out to be a decisive victory for Resistance with Poe, high on adrenaline laying down spike after spike. The second set went to the First Order with Kylo Ren’s serves becoming the backbone of their offence.
The third and final set proved to be more difficult with both teams practically neck and neck.
Poe could feel the sweat slick on his body yet as profuse as it was, it did nothing for the blistering heat and the suffocating air that surrounded them all. And as much as Resistance tried, matching First Order point-by-point, they could not break through and attain the lead. And when the referee blew the whistle signalling match-point Poe could feel that familiar ache settle in his very soul, the kind of ache that threatened to drag you down, the kind of ache that made you lose heart.
He ignored it, of course, along with the ache in his muscles and bones that had now long stretched themselves to the point of breaking.
If he acknowledged it even once in his own mind he knew he wouldn’t make it.
As of now, Kylo Ren stood on the opposite court, his long dark hair flattened with sweat as he stood ready to serve the ball. His eyes, so much like his mother Leia’s, scanned the court in one flourishing sweep. And though Poe had known him since childhood in that moment he thoroughly despised Ben Solo.
Let the ball come, he thought to himself. I’ll show them.
Kylo Ren tossed the ball high in the air before jumping up and serving it with all his strength. Something in Poe switched then, something very fundamental to his brain chemistry. All he saw was the ball, the court, the players, everything else, every unnecessary thing fell away.
Rey received the serve immediately, deftly passing it on to Rose. Rose took this in stride and was able to pass it on to Finn who attempted a dump it over the net.
For a few heart-wrenching seconds Poe watched as the ball teetered over the net and fell. For a few heart-wrenching seconds Poe thought they’d finally be able to break through, only for the ball to be saved by Hux.
Poe quelled the crushing disappointment. It would do no good to lose hope now. After all the ball was still in the air, they had not lost yet.
Zeroes followed through Hux’s save by setting it, allowing Kylo Ren to come forward and spike it across the net.
Rose dove to save it just in the nick of time, managing to keep the ball in the air. Yet, as impressive as the save was she had sent it out of the court. If no one stepped up First Order would score this point and win the match effectively kicking Resistance out of the running for the finals.
Poe could not care less whether they had a chance at this or not, he could not let that happen, at least not without knowing that he had tried.
So he ran following the trajectory of the ball. As soon as he reached the lines separating the court from the rest of the world, he leapt into the air twisting his body so that he was facing the net, but most importantly so he was facing the ball.
He reached out and felt the weight of the ball in his hands, the dull pain as it made contact before finally, he pushed it away from him, tossing it back into the court.
For a moment, still airborne, Poe watched as the ball went directly to Finn who rose to the challenge as he always did spiking it beautifully to the other side.
Poe almost felt like a windhover in flight. But that feeling lasted only a moment. Reality sunk in, gravity pulled him under and his legs gave way. He came down with a crash, a sharp pain, first at his back and then his ribs. For a moment he could register nothing through the pain and his bleary eyes. For a moment knew nothing else but the fact that he was no longer playing and every second he lay on the ground incapacitated was a second wasted.
He forced himself to see through the pain, forced himself to rise to his knees. He had to get back on the court. He had to win.
The first thing he saw when his vision cleared was Finn looking at him, the horror written plainly on his face. The second was the benches beside him, the benches he had crashed into. The third was the ball, the goddamn f*cking ball. Kylo Ren had apparently delivered another powerful spike of his own to counteract Finn’s.
Poe ignored the sharp pain in his body, he ignored the cloudiness in the corner of his eyes, as he picked himself up from where he was kneeling and ran. All could see was the ball, all he knew was that he needed to keep it in the air at all costs. He reached out ready to stop it. He knew he could make it. He-
His body did not follow through.
The ball grazed the palm of his hands as his legs gave way. Poe Dameron collapsed and all he could do was stare helplessly as it bounced on the floor behind him, costing them the game.
~~~
For a moment there was silence, the only sound was the ball bouncing against the varnished floor of the stadium. Finn watched as Poe lay motionless, the sickening lurching feeling in his stomach only growing every second as he prayed Poe would get up, as he prayed he had not been hurt too badly.
Finn’s prayers were finally answered in the form of a low groan as Poe slowly but surely rose to his feet. He took a few staggering steps clutching his torso before straightening his back. He looked around him once as if in a daze before walking off the court. No one else had dared follow and Finn wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. But he couldn’t simply stand by after watching Poe bring himself to breaking point.
So Finn raced after him the sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach only heightened when he realised Poe wasn’t going to the designated med-bay and instead making his way to the change rooms. Finn quickened his pace as soon as he saw Poe opening the door and disappearing behind it. He managed to catch the door before it closed on him and practically barged in after him.
“What the f*ck was that?” Finn demanded.
Poe turned around and something akin to guilt crossed his face.But that guilt soon turned into something much darker. His brow furrowed, his jaw tightened.
“I don’t want to hear it,” Poe said.
He made his way to walk past Finn, good knows where to. But seeing this made Finn angrier than he already was. Whatever icy veneer of calm he had maintained so far - as cracked as it was - was finally being undone and what it left behind was something raw and unbridled that Finn could not put a name to..
Finn grabbed Poe by the shoulder and pushed him back so they were facing each other yet again.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Finn chastised.
“I was trying to win us the match.”
“By almost breaking a f*cking limb?” The anger in Finn was only burgeoning. “When are you going to get it through that thick skull of yours that you’re more important than any match?”
Poe’s brows furrowed at those words, his mouth opened as if wishing to speak but unable to find the words. Finn hadn’t meant to say that out loud. He never would have dared in his more sober moments, but it seemed anger had a way of bringing out even the things he would have preferred to keep to himself.
“Go see the medical staff,” Finn said.
This seemed to bring Poe back to his senses.
“You’re not my boss.” He told him sharply.
“I’m also captain of this team,” Finn reminded him. He rarely ever used the ‘captain’ card on Poe. But in this instance, it seemed warranted.
“f*ck you,” Poe tried to move past him but Finn held him fast. Not that it took much effort, anyone with eyes could see Poe was exhausted beyond measure.
“Go to the med-bay,” Finn said it softly now but even he could feel the desperation laden in his tone. He watched as Poe’ expression changed to an emotion he could not name.
“Why do you even care?” Poe asked, his voice just as soft and so tenderly raw Finn almost stepped back. Almost. “It’s not like we’re friends now or anything.”
The words uttered were meant to cut. And they did. It was one thing to drift apart and not acknowledge it, it was another thing to give it words. To label it. Give it a finality neither of them wanted. Finn wondered whether they could ever go back to where they used to be and if he could live with that. Probably not.
Finn gritted his teeth. “Just go to the med-bay.”
Even if they were no longer friends, even if Finn could not tell him to go f*ck himself or drag him to the med bay as he usually would, he was still his teammate and co-captain. That had to stand for something, didn’t it?
“I’ll do what f*cking I want,” Poe told him, his voice low and harsh.
He made a move to walk past Finn and Finn let him. The ice in Poe’s words pierced itself so deeply that for a moment Finn couldn’t move. Then it all finally sunk in, the fact that the last threads that attached Poe to him were unravelling and slipping from his very fingers. That was when the fear set in and Finn followed it blindly, like a dying man grasping towards light at the end of the tunnel and following it even if it meant his demise.
“Does nothing f*cking matter to you now?” He said turning around to face Poe. “Or are you just being a f*cking asshole for no reason?”
Poe was already at the door his back to him and Finn felt a delicious sense of gratification when Poe stilled before turning back around, his eyes meeting Finn’s.
“What the f*ck is that supposed to mean?” He asked, voice dangerously low.
That only emboldened Finn.
“Oh I don’t know, you’ve been wearing yourself thin for weeks, you almost killed yourself to win this match all for what?”
It was clear that a response was on Poe’s lips but Finn was beyond the point of hearing him out. If this was how it was going to end, Finn wasn't going down without a fight.
“Oh and almost forgot” he was well aware now that his words were coming out bitter, mocking. He revelled in it. “We kissed and then you didn’t talk to me for weeks what the f*ck else am I supposed to think?”
Something in Poe’s expression softened, and his anger cooled in an instant. He made a move towards Finn reaching out in a gesture that was heartbreakingly familiar and easy. But Finn stepped out of his grasp.
“Don’t…just don’t.” He watched as Poe's hand wavered, a futile attempt at bridging the distance between them. “Don’t talk to me. That’s the only thing you're good at anyway.”
He did not meet Poe’s eyes as he pushed past him and walked out, hoping that Poe had not been able to catch the way his eyes had welled up or the way his voice had cracked at those last words.
~~~
The soul-crushing disappointment that had weighed down on him after the match did not leave Poe, not even on a rainy Sunday evening two days after the game. He was still holed up in his bed nursing his aching ribs and back. He had eventually gone to the medics after his argument with Finn, they said he was lucky, they were only bruises but they recommended he rested for a week before he played any more volleyball.
BB-8 was at his feet whining softly in his sleep, lost in such blissful sleep Poe found himself envious. He had not slept well these past few days, he had not even gone down for breakfast or lunch this morning, opting to eat out of his not-so-secret candy stash every time he felt hungry.
He couldn’t help but replay the match in his head, torturing himself again and again. He could see it now in sharp clarity the way Finn had looked at him just after his fall when they had lost the match and finally when he had left him alone in the change rooms one final time. Poe wanted to cry and sometimes he did.
Losing it was one thing, it hurt and it would have taken him a while to get over it, but that was the thing. He could get over it. However, losing Finn so completely in the same breath threatened to dismantle everything.
He could feel it now that dull pain that wrapped around his chest, bruising it, pushing it to breaking point. He closed his eyes and buried himself underneath the covers intending to siphon it away through a sleep that was unlikely to come but as soon as he made this decision there was a knock at his door.
“Poe you in there?” His father’s voice called out to him.
Poe groaned in answer. There was a few seconds of silence before Poe heard his door creak open and felt a weight settle on the foot of his bed. He felt the covers being gently lifted from his face and a tender hand brushing aside his unkempt hair. Poe opened his eyes to see his father, Kes Dameron, looking down at him, the concern written all too plainly on his face.
“Buddy, talk to me?” Though Kes’s voice was soft there was a pleading note to it and Poe wasn’t strong enough to resist it entirely.
“We lost,” Poe answered. He wanted to say so much more but couldn’t find the words. And besides a part of him still clung to a useless sense of stubborn pride, as bruised as it was, it was all he had.
His father sighed. “There’s something more to this, you’re not usually like this when you lose.”
“You’ve been talking to Ms Organa haven’t you?”
Poe should have known. Kes and Leia went way back, long before Poe was even born, she had been his mother’s friend and a pro-volleyball player herself, long before she had ever been Poe’s coach and a high school history teacher.
“So what if I have?” Kes replied without a hint of remorse in his voice.
Poe paused. He considered Kes for a moment and decided the shame of telling his father about it was a better alternative than keeping it all in.
“Finn and I we…” he let out a shaky breath. “We’re not talking.”
There was a pause
“What happened?”
Just like that, no judgment. Nothing. Not for the first time, Poe thanked God or whichever entity had created the universe that he had Kes for a father.
“We kissed,” Poe said.
Kes raised a brow. “Kiddo that’s supposed to be good news I think you’re a little confused.”
His tone was light, but Poe knew this was only his way of encouraging Poe to open up, to truly speak of what was happening.
Poe raised himself from his bed so that he was sitting up under the covers.
“Dad I kinda f*cked up,” it felt good to say it out loud. To finally admit to it. “It just…happened, We were supposed to talk about it, but I kinda…”
He was never one to paint himself in a bad light to others always embellishing himself with white lies and tasteful arrogance to hide his glaring flaws, but this moment called for a brutal honesty that had always been well beyond his means. But he knew that if he wanted to get somewhere with this he needed to at least try.
“Well I ghosted him,” he admitted. “I couldn’t do it, it scared me…all that relationship stuff.”
“Because of what happened with Zorii?”
Poe paused. “Kinda,” he looked down at his hands. He did not want to think of Zorii. Not now. “Like what if he gets to really know me and I ruin this for the both of us, our friendship.” He sighed. “Not that it matters anymore, it's not like we’re talking.”
He recalled Finn’s words. Don’t talk to me. That’s the only thing you're good at anyway. Every remembrance of them was a fresh cut to a still-healing wound. He wished somehow, someway he could forget them entirely. But it seemed he couldn’t, the wound would bleed and bleed and bleed and there was nothing Poe could do about it. It was something he might have to carry to his dying day if he wasn’t careful.
So he told his father everything, every detail from the kiss, from the weeks that had gone by without them talking, about the match and finally to the last time they talked in the change rooms.
When he finished Kes was silent still sitting across from Poe, cross-legged in his striped pyjama bottoms and old University hoodies from when he played for the college basketball team. He regarded Poe solemnly, his brow furrowed.
“I won’t lie to you Poe what you did to Finn was really sh*tty,” Kes said. “Really shot yourself in the foot there, son. But what’s done is done. You can’t change the past”
Poe felt his shoulders sag at those words. He was never one for leaving well enough alone and he wasn’t sure he wanted to do.
“But that doesn’t mean you can’t still fix this.” Continued Kes. “You still care for him. He still cares for you. It’s not like you can’t sit down and just talk about it.”
It was almost laughable how simple Kes’s advice was. It was the kind of sh*t you shouted at your TV screen while watching silly rom-coms that overused the miscommunication trope. Just f*cking talk about it! You’d yell knowing the character couldn’t hear you. But something in Kes’s words sent a spark through the mist in the back of Poe’s now dulled mind.
“What if doesn’t work out?” He asked.
“Worst case scenario if you talk to him, you remain as you are,” Kes said. “Best case scenario if you talk to him, you two get married and give me four grandkids several years down the track.”
“Dad!”
Kes chuckled. “Listen buddy all I’m trying to say here is…it can’t hurt to try.”
He was right. He always was. All Poe had needed was that small spark of hope to set a fire anew in him. And Kes had given him that.
Now that Poe knew what he wanted to do, he did not want to waste another second. He got up from his bed, and without bothering to change out of his pyjamas rushed to the door.
“Put on a damn jacket!” He heard his father call out after him, but by then it was already too late to heed his words. Once Poe had made up his mind there was no stopping him.
~~~
Finn had not been able to bring himself to forget what had happened. Every time he closed his eyes he could still hear the way Poe had crashed into the benches in his an attempt to keep the ball in the air, he could still see the way his body had laid motionless on the floor. He still had no way of knowing if Poe was alright and the the possibility that he wasn’t haunted every spare minute he had had. He supposed he could have asked anyone of his other teammates, but his phone had been out of battery for days and besides he had no inclination to speak to anyone.
It was only today that Finn had finally dragged himself out of a mind-numbing stupor and was making his way out of his room to the kitchen when he heard three sharp knocks at his door.
The pattern and the sound of them were familiar to Finn in the way his own reflection was. Which could only mean one person.
Poe.
Finn’s heart quickened at the very thought. Why was he here? Why now after all that had happened? But he schooled his features into a nonchalant expression and breathed in. He needed to be calm, he needed to be rational, which admittedly he was not the last time they spoke.
Finn made his way to the door but paused just as he was about to turn the handle. The reality of the situation sank in. Poe, real and solid and not just a figment of his memories and imagination, was waiting for him on the other side. He almost drew his hand back. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to open the door. No far from it. He just…wasn’t sure he was ready to face whatever awaited both of them after this. He let his fingers linger a moment more on the handle before finally turning it.
The door opened to reveal a mournful Poe Dameron, still in his bright-orange cat-print pyjama now wet and clinging to his body. He looked up at Finn through his dark curls shiny and slick from the rain with those sombre eyes that seemed to haunt Finn even in his teams. His breathing was laboured as if he had run all the way here. He was trembling.
“Poe what are you…” Finn found himself letting out.
“I came…” Poe started. “I came to apologise.”
A part of Finn wanted so desperately to revert to his people-pleasing ways. To say you have nothing to apologise for. But he knew that he needed to hear this. So he looked into Poe’s eyes, crossed his arms and waited.
“Look, you have every right to be angry at me,” Poe continued. “And if you don’t want to hear it that's okay. I just…” his shivering was only getting more violent and it wasn’t until Poe said the next words that Finn realised. “I’ve been such a huge f*cking ass and I’m so sorry,”
The words came out choked and soon enough Poe’s laboured breaths turned heavier, his expression contorting impossibly. And then came the tears. Finn felt a certain amount of guilt. He could not let this continue, it was a callousness Finn could not afford.
“Finn I…”
“You know what I think it’s best if you come in inside” he interrupted..
“But I-”
“Look,” Finn started, his voice precise, a matter of fact. Someone needed to be the firm one now and he was always more than glad to step up when Poe could not. “I'll make you something to calm your nerves and then we can talk, just…come in.” he looked into Poe’s disbelieving eyes and added more desperately. “Please?”
Poe stood there for a moment, unnervingly quiet before he nodded and took a tentative step towards the threshold. Finn let him in and led him to the small living room area where he started up the heater and silently handed Poe a blanket while he himself went into the kitchen.
Finn soon came back with a tray of store-bought cookies and two mugs of steaming hot chocolate. He handed one of the mugs to Poe and sat down opposite him. For a moment Finn just stared at him, wrapped up in that blanket, sitting on the couch, holding the mug in his hand, so pensive and vulnerable. All Finn wanted to do was reach out and embrace him. But he stopped himself.
“You know,” started Finn. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so quiet.”
“First time for everything?” Poe offered.It sounded uncertain and Finn had never known Poe to be uncertain.
They were silent again neither of them knowing what to say to the other. Finn wracked his brain for a more conducive opener to no avail.
“I really am sorry,” Poe said after a while. “For ignoring you and ghosting you. You did not deserve that.”
Finn took his words in, he let them settle in his mind and then he felt his throat tighten. All his life he had internalised the fact that he deserved whatever came to him. He wasn’t sure anyone had ever apologised to him like Poe had right, so wholeheartedly and without blame. And yet a part of him still could not accept it.
“I still don’t get why” Finn admitted. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No,” Poe answered immediately. “You did nothing wrong.”
If the problem was in him it was at least within his control to fix it. The lack of culpability did nothing to relieve Finn’s anxieties.
“Then why?”
Another pause. Poe looked down at his cup of hot chocolate. Finn could practically feel the shame emanating from him.
“I was scared,” Poe said finally. “Some things happened last summer and just…when we kissed I freaked out.” Poe looked up from his cup. “It’s not an excuse. It was unfair, I should have just…talked to you.”
“Yeah you should have,” Finn agreed.
Finn could see the words had hurt Poe, but he wasn’t going to take them back, not when they were finally telling each other the truth. And now it was his turn.
Finn set down his mug on the coffee table.
“It’s fine though,” He said. “It’s not like I was a saint either. Sorry for being an asshole after that match.”
“You’re fine,” Poe assured. “I had it coming let’s be real.”
"Are…are your back and ribs okay?”
He gave Finn a small rueful smile. “I did end up going to the med-bay by the way. They said it was only bruising.”
“Good.”
They were skirting around the topic now, the elephant in the room so to speak. The root cause of it all but Finn wasn’t sure he was brave enough to broach the topic. They had finally found that delicate tether that tied them together, he wasn’t sure he could risk severing it. But it seemed Poe had different ideas.
“We should talk about it.” He said. “The kiss. Well not really the kiss but you know…”
He gestured helplessly but Finn knew what he was hinting at. The feelings that lay hidden underneath this entire fiasco. Hiss heart pounded in his chest. He tried not to let it show, keeping an air of steady calm.
“What about it exactly?”
“I like you. Like a lot.” Poe confessed, it came out of him like a long-held breath. “I think you like me too, unless I’m missing something. And…”
“We don’t have to do anything I’m completely okay with us just being friends,” Finn said a little too quickly.
He didn’t think he could handle it Poe told him that they couldn’t be together. He’d much rather break his own heart. It was easier to handle if you were the one doing the breaking.
“I just…I don’t know,” Finn continued. “I just want to be in your life in any way possible, after Rey I think you’re like my best friend so….”
Finn trailed off. He was rambling and he knew it. But Poe had become pensive again and he felt that the more he spoke, the more he was ruining whatever delicate truce they had come to. They sat in silence for a minute contemplating their situation and the thousands of possibilities before them. Poe was the first to break the silence.
“I think I’d kill myself if we stayed just friends knowing that we could’ve been more,” Poe said quietly.
It took a moment for Finn too to register what Poe meant. And when he did his heart practically leapt to his throat. He hadn’t really asked Finn to be his boyfriend but it sure as f*ck was heavily implied.
“But if dating doesn’t work out for us,” Poe added. “I think I can live with just friends knowing that we tried. If that’s okay with you?”
Okay? It was more than okay. Finn wanted to leap up grab Poe by the shoulders and kiss him senseless, but he restrained himself. He could not lose Poe to his own stupidity again.
“Wish we’d had this conversation earlier,” Finn said instead leaning back into his couch.
“Me too,” Poe admitted. His eyes searched Finn’s face, his brow furrowed once more. “So is that a yes?”
There was a strange fragility to Poe at that moment, something that Finn hadn’t ever really seen before. It was exhilarating and terrifying in equal measure.
“Yeah,” Finn said. It came out more breathless than he intended but the smile on Poe’s face at hearing that one word, so bright and full light, made it all worth it. “Might have to keep it on the down-low though.” He added.
He didn’t need to add why. The rumours and speculations were already bad enough and they needed time to be with each other without all that weighing in on the relationship. Besides unlike Rey or Jess, neither of them were out to the rest of the school.
“We’ll have to tell my dad…” Poe started.
“Obviously Kes Dameron is the exception,” Finn said. “We’ll tell the team too, just…not yet.”
“No?”
“I just think it’d be funny to see how long it takes for them to figure it out.”
“Jess is going to kill us,” Poe groaned. “Rey too.”
“Who cares,” said Finn. “Not like they needed our permission to start dating each other.”
Poe burst out laughing and as if the very act was etched into his bones Finn laughed with him. It felt so familiar, so normal that Finn wondered, briefly, if this was what home was supposed to feel like.
He hoped he would never lose this with Poe no matter what happened in the future.
The laughter soon died down and the silence that met them was a comfortable one, the kind that only comes when two people truly understood each other.
“So…” Poe ventured after a while. The crease in his brow had returned, his fingers were tapping rapidly against the mug. He seemed uncertain again but that apparently did not stop him from speaking his next words. “Since we’re you know…dating now…can I…” he paused. “Can I kiss you?”
What Finn felt in that moment Finn could not contain his grin.
“Thought you’d never ask.”
With that Poe put his mug on the coffee table and stood, blankets and all. He was still a little damp from the rain and the colour hadn’t fully returned to his cheeks, but it seemed these facts did not hinder him.
He crossed the distance between them in confident strides, eyes dark with a want Finn could not fully comprehend.
But Finn was ready.
He reached out and pulled Poe towards him holding him close as the weight of his body settled against his. For a second they remained, face to face, eye to eye, before Poe leaned in and all Finn could do was close his eyes and revel in the feeling of Poe’s lips against his, not caring whether this would remain for all-time or was merely momentary.
